the walk

i decided to take a walk to the library this afternoon. now that the cold weather has taken hold, it makes me feel closed in. the cabin fever thing. so i usually will take the 3 1/2 block walk to the library, sometimes simply for the simple reason of getting outside -- even if it's snowing or 10 degrees.

but today i had an item waiting for me. so off i went.

it turned into an adventure i should have expected, since i took a similar walk a couple of days ago.

the sidewalks were full of frozen snow and rain water. it felt as if i was walking on the rocky outcropping surface of a far off planet.

sometimes weather this time of year goes from snow and below freezing temps to rain and above freezing temps. rain has nowhere to go because snow covers yards. sidewalks turn into slushy messes -- until the temp plunges below freezing. then you get this rough, bumpy, dangerous surface.

i walked carefully, attempting to avoid the really rough patches of frozen snow and trying to stay on the smooth parts of the pavement, which wasn't always possible.

i kept my boots sliding as i traversed the sidewalks, chips of ice bouncing off the boots' tips as i trunged forward.

this sliding motion is something i learned soon after arriving up north. i thought just walk gingerly on the ice, no probably, right? wrong. i learned/was taught to slide the shoes over the ice. perhaps it seems logical, but to a south texas kid, no way. these days, i do the dance out on the ice like the rest of the northern folk.

so many parts of 14th st, pine ave. and 13th st. were difficult to walk through. now, i say this because remember my eye sight isn't great, so it'snot easy to find the smooth spots to walk on.

as i slid along, i knew someone had to be watching for within the warmth of a house, grinning, saying, "fall down, foolish boy." and i almost did. coming back from the library, having become cocky because i went through the spot on the way there, i walked a little faster, surer, then i hit a spot that caused my heart to sink down to my guts. my feet started spinning (picture a cartoon where the character is trying to run, legs pumping, but he goes nowhere). sounds funny, but it can really ruin your back when your legs twist, or if you fall, bruise the hell out of your ass or back. no thanks.

so it was a shaky walk there and back. but i got to get out for a bit, get fresh air, breath fresh air, get my music cd, and make it home in one piece.

kudos to a few houses on 14th and 13th streets and the new apostolic church at the corner of 14th and pine. they kept sidewalks cleared of ice.

i think i'll ask dawn to drive me to work this afternoon.

bullshit state of mind

sid's tantrum caused a ruckus, man.
he went off the deep end again.
mind your own business, prick.
every day something new,
as if you really knew.
you need meds, man, seriously.
harboring all of these feelings all of this time?
i feel sorry for you, man
take your meds, man.
i think you're cracking, or have already cracked,
the proof's in the pudding, man.

you stir things up, a hornet's nest,
yet you're theonly one being stung, man.
feel the stingers dig into you.
they hurt like hell, man.
i don't feel any pain. i don't care, man.

does my god know the truth? perhaps.
does your god know the truth? oh yeah, man
your god knows well enough the truth
and retribution will follow.

your lines were scathing, man.
but i tell you what, i sleep at night.
do you? heardly.
harboring all those thoughts, never giving a rest.


pop the med in the morning, early, man.
make the best of it. make the day the best, man.
don't see me later and pretend it never happened.
oh, man, your trouble.
or should i say,l troubled?


either way, you'll never see it my way, man.
man oh man, you're pretty warped.
life's delusion's play a trick on you, man

but remember, none of it's real, man.
it's all a dream and you'll wake up.
still, no one likes you, man.
no one thinks much of you, not now, man.

inflated, yes.
selfish, yes
arrogant, yes

yes, yes, yes, yes!

go find our niche and leave me be.
please.
i don't want to get caught up, drama queen.
seventh-grade was decades ago.
act your age, drama queen
act your age.
please.

accept these words into your heart, mind andsoul.
do you have a soul?
blasted! no!
still, maybe, you do. i don't know
who am i? a gentle being on my journey.

meeting you, well, man, what a trip.


psst! nobody likes you. pass it on.
man oh man

please let me be. let me rest.
let me enjoy my life, let me be free, man.
please.

after all, life's not about you.
hell, it's not even about me.
we're pawns in this bullshit state of mind.

some of us just deal with it better than others.

down egotist down!

why do you persist so?
why must you make yourself be heard?
You're ruminatons are that of old, nothing new.

a simple request, why ego, why? has turned
it has turned into diabolical words, a retort?
who knows yet. tomorrow it yet to come.

but these words -- why?
these themes run through your head,
constant chatter, the patter of conversations,
the patter of words, people mouthing emptiness.

you hear what you want,
your vile mind misinterprets,
misconnects, misantropic --

for truly who cares for you? no one.
a lonely beast among those who would taunt
yet taunt only in self-defense.
for before your words, it was a troubled why?
no more. now a troubled man - and his egotess

shame on you, egotist and egotess,
an old woman you made cry
you made no friends from that, now even less
pockets? they'll remain dry.

you, ego, take the blame,
have the balls and bow your head in shame
bow your head for him, you said you knew him, not,
it's you, your empty words that your mouth, they shot

a foolish one, worse you did,
an angel, no, for they do no wrong


think of your words, think of your thoughts,
ruminating, ruminating,
ne'er a night's sleep, always ruminating

silly ego, tricks are for kids
kids they don't trick,
they're only kids
they can't be taught, they're honest.

ego from where do you hail?
scrimp and save, scrip and safe.
your big pimp shades, swagger walk,


knock that fucking hat off!
knock that grin of your god damned face!
knock your past, knock your past!
knock you of your pedastal!

ego be gone, slip into none
ego maniac, you're no fun


do you read this? can you read this?
is this for you? yes, i'm sure.
don't second guess,
i'm sure.

i don't know why you can't admit you're wrong, can't admit
that your words still hurt, still fly off into wild directions.
i've never understood someone like you. you're attend a party, only a guest, and yet you want to take control, have the spotlight shined down on you, pity you bore us with you tales of
adventure and conquest. it's all a lie. take back all you ever brought and will bring, it comes from an empty heart, no soul.

the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.
you can't change that.