These are the thoughts of a Texas transplant in West Michigan who makes his living as a newspaper reporter by evening, and a struggling novelist by day.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


loss is difficult to get through. there's so much emptiness involved and it leavs you thinking afterward. and thinking. and thinking.

ou try to grasp but there's nothing to grab onto. it's gone. it's another moment that will remain with you for the rest of your's something to deal with, learm from, love more from, appreciate more of what you and others have.

this past week dawn and i had a miscarriage. not many people knew she was pregnant. we told a few people since it was early on. we estimated she was about eight and a half weeks pregnant when the miscarriage occurred.

we found out about the pregnancy aug. 31, a friday. it was during the afternoon before i went to work. it was shocking, exciting and overwhelming. she took a home pregnancy test. later, she called me at work and tried the second. it, too, showed, a positive. on labor day, dawn went out and got a third test. it showed positive.

wednesday the results from the blood test came back and it was positive. we were so happy. it was an exciting week for us. we told a few people but not many because it was still early on. yet, i couldn't contain my excitement. we were going to be parents in about seven months.

it was a happy week. probably the happiest i'd been in a long time. i'd begun to touch the belly where inside the tiny embryo lay in a sac. it was fun. it was different.

then this past week things fell apart. we had the miscarriage. it was a process that lasted much longer than i thought.

i was helpless. what could i do to help my wife? nothing. there wasn't a damn thing i could do but try to comfort her while it happened.

i stayed home with dawn monday when it started, even though we were unsure if it was a miscarriage or not. an ultrasound was taken tuesday, but it was inconclusive, stillshowing the embryonic sac intact. but a second blood test wednesday verified it as a miscarriage.

i stayed home with dawn wednesday night. we hugged and just enjoyed each other's company, watched tv and were there for one another. mary ann came over with oliver and she was great, talking to dawn and making her laugh. she was so kind to come over during that time.

and me? just helpless. my mind was going in several different directions at once. at work on thursday, i was a mess. i couldn't really concentrate and was getting things wrong, things i normally get right. i didn't really feel like being there. and i was at work 10 hours, same as on friday. i had to make up hours for coming home early on wednesday.

i'm trying to convey how i felt during last week. i'm doing a poor job. i guess there really aren't words to describe. perhaps it's too close, too near the time.

i will say that i do feel a loss. i was not carrying the fetus or embryo or whatever you'd like to call it, but it was still something i created.

i was a dad for a week. i never got to see what my child looked like. i never got to see it sawy a word or anything or grow up. but for a week i was a dad. it felt so good.

and creating something...well, that's special. i create stuff daily, stories mostly at work. or i write a poem or a short story. or even this blog. so i know what it's like to create something and be happy with it. but this was a million times better. a billion times. it was a special creation that two people who love each other calaborated on. lovely.

since our miscarriage, we've found out that so many women, wifes of friends, sisters of friends, friends of friends, mothers of friends, have had miscarriages. sometimes three or more. so it's not uncommon. it's something no one really talks about.

i don't get it. no matter what you think, it's the ending of a life, at whatever tage, and yet they're kept secrets, as if there were something wrong.

i think miscarriages should be discussed. it helps to heal the woman and the man, for i think both suffer. the loss if for both. after all, both took part to create the life.

i'm going to end this now. i didn't accomplish what i set out to do. yet, i feel it needed to be said. maybe later on after time has passed, i can do it more justice and express my ownfeelings with more clarity.

now, we move forward, the miscarriage a part of our lives. yet, it is something that has bonded us even more than before. it has made us stronger as a couple.