These are the thoughts of a Texas transplant in West Michigan who makes his living as a newspaper reporter by evening, and a struggling novelist by day.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

loss

loss is difficult to get through. there's so much emptiness involved and it leavs you thinking afterward. and thinking. and thinking.

ou try to grasp but there's nothing to grab onto. it's gone. it's another moment that will remain with you for the rest of your life.it's something to deal with, learm from, love more from, appreciate more of what you and others have.

this past week dawn and i had a miscarriage. not many people knew she was pregnant. we told a few people since it was early on. we estimated she was about eight and a half weeks pregnant when the miscarriage occurred.

we found out about the pregnancy aug. 31, a friday. it was during the afternoon before i went to work. it was shocking, exciting and overwhelming. she took a home pregnancy test. later, she called me at work and tried the second. it, too, showed, a positive. on labor day, dawn went out and got a third test. it showed positive.

wednesday the results from the blood test came back and it was positive. we were so happy. it was an exciting week for us. we told a few people but not many because it was still early on. yet, i couldn't contain my excitement. we were going to be parents in about seven months.

it was a happy week. probably the happiest i'd been in a long time. i'd begun to touch the belly where inside the tiny embryo lay in a sac. it was fun. it was different.

then this past week things fell apart. we had the miscarriage. it was a process that lasted much longer than i thought.

i was helpless. what could i do to help my wife? nothing. there wasn't a damn thing i could do but try to comfort her while it happened.

i stayed home with dawn monday when it started, even though we were unsure if it was a miscarriage or not. an ultrasound was taken tuesday, but it was inconclusive, stillshowing the embryonic sac intact. but a second blood test wednesday verified it as a miscarriage.

i stayed home with dawn wednesday night. we hugged and just enjoyed each other's company, watched tv and were there for one another. mary ann came over with oliver and she was great, talking to dawn and making her laugh. she was so kind to come over during that time.

and me? just helpless. my mind was going in several different directions at once. at work on thursday, i was a mess. i couldn't really concentrate and was getting things wrong, things i normally get right. i didn't really feel like being there. and i was at work 10 hours, same as on friday. i had to make up hours for coming home early on wednesday.

i'm trying to convey how i felt during last week. i'm doing a poor job. i guess there really aren't words to describe. perhaps it's too close, too near the time.

i will say that i do feel a loss. i was not carrying the fetus or embryo or whatever you'd like to call it, but it was still something i created.

i was a dad for a week. i never got to see what my child looked like. i never got to see it sawy a word or anything or grow up. but for a week i was a dad. it felt so good.

and creating something...well, that's special. i create stuff daily, stories mostly at work. or i write a poem or a short story. or even this blog. so i know what it's like to create something and be happy with it. but this was a million times better. a billion times. it was a special creation that two people who love each other calaborated on. lovely.

since our miscarriage, we've found out that so many women, wifes of friends, sisters of friends, friends of friends, mothers of friends, have had miscarriages. sometimes three or more. so it's not uncommon. it's something no one really talks about.

i don't get it. no matter what you think, it's the ending of a life, at whatever tage, and yet they're kept secrets, as if there were something wrong.

i think miscarriages should be discussed. it helps to heal the woman and the man, for i think both suffer. the loss if for both. after all, both took part to create the life.

i'm going to end this now. i didn't accomplish what i set out to do. yet, i feel it needed to be said. maybe later on after time has passed, i can do it more justice and express my ownfeelings with more clarity.

now, we move forward, the miscarriage a part of our lives. yet, it is something that has bonded us even more than before. it has made us stronger as a couple.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Brooke said...

I'm so sorry guys. I'm thinking of you!

2:56 PM

 
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

ninest123 16.01
louis vuitton, michael kors outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany and co, louis vuitton, chanel handbags, replica watches, ugg boots, prada outlet, tiffany jewelry, oakley sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, nike air max, oakley sunglasses, prada handbags, burberry outlet online, ray ban sunglasses, replica watches, longchamp outlet, oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet, ugg boots, louis vuitton, polo ralph lauren outlet, uggs on sale, burberry, michael kors outlet, longchamp, ugg boots, gucci outlet, michael kors, nike outlet, louis vuitton outlet, louboutin outlet, louboutin, polo ralph lauren outlet, nike air max, nike free, christian louboutin outlet, michael kors outlet, michael kors outlet, cheap oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, ray ban sunglasses, longchamp outlet, louboutin shoes, tory burch outlet

8:32 PM

 
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

air force, nike trainers, sac longchamp, sac guess, tn pas cher, coach outlet, new balance pas cher, ray ban pas cher, air max, timberland, true religion jeans, north face, nike roshe, nike free run uk, abercrombie and fitch, vans pas cher, michael kors, michael kors, ralph lauren pas cher, burberry, michael kors, ralph lauren uk, hollister pas cher, nike free, lacoste pas cher, true religion outlet, air jordan pas cher, nike blazer, louboutin pas cher, true religion jeans, nike roshe run, vanessa bruno, hogan, longchamp pas cher, ray ban uk, lululemon, converse pas cher, longchamp, hollister, mulberry, nike air max, michael kors, nike huarache, nike air max, replica handbags, north face, coach purses, oakley pas cher, nike air max, true religion jeans, hermes

8:35 PM

 
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

reebok shoes, herve leger, soccer shoes, vans, iphone cases, ray ban, timberland boots, new balance, p90x workout, instyler, converse, hollister, valentino shoes, hollister, mcm handbags, mac cosmetics, celine handbags, ferragamo shoes, abercrombie and fitch, chi flat iron, iphone 6 plus cases, beats by dre, nfl jerseys, mont blanc, oakley, north face outlet, gucci, soccer jerseys, lululemon, ipad cases, iphone 5s cases, birkin bag, iphone 6 cases, louboutin, ralph lauren, baseball bats, vans shoes, iphone 6s cases, nike roshe, asics running shoes, nike air max, jimmy choo shoes, iphone 6s plus cases, nike air max, insanity workout, s5 cases, north face outlet, wedding dresses, ghd, bottega veneta, giuseppe zanotti, babyliss

8:37 PM

 
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

bottes ugg, louis vuitton, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, replica watches, canada goose, doke gabbana outlet, moncler, sac louis vuitton pas cher, swarovski, louis vuitton, swarovski crystal, marc jacobs, moncler outlet, canada goose, louis vuitton, pandora jewelry, pandora jewelry, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, juicy couture outlet, moncler, louis vuitton, ugg pas cher, pandora charms, moncler, wedding dresses, pandora charms, supra shoes, moncler, coach outlet, canada goose outlet, moncler, barbour, canada goose, thomas sabo, canada goose outlet, toms shoes, doudoune canada goose, canada goose uk, links of london, canada goose, montre pas cher, hollister, juicy couture outlet, moncler, barbour jackets, karen millen, lancel, converse outlet, moncler, ugg boots uk
ninest123 16.01

8:39 PM

 
Blogger Lai Weizhou said...

chung cư Imperial Plaza 360 Giải Phóng
chung cư Imperial Plaza
chung cu Imperial Plaza
Imperial Plaza 360 Giải Phóng
chung cư the legend
chung cư the legend 109 nguyễn tuân
chung cư eco green city

chung cư eco green city nguyễn xiển

The manor central park nguyễn xiển
chung cư udic riverside 122 vĩnh tuy
chung cư Valencia garden
chung cu Valencia garden
chung cư Valencia garden Long biên
chung cư HBI Long Biên
chung cư vinata tower
chung cư vinata tower 289 khuất duy tiến
chung cu vinata tower
chung cu vinata tower 289 khuat duy tien
chung cư 289 khuất duy tiến
chung cu 289 khuat duy tien
chung cu 82 nguyen tuan
chung cư 82 nguyễn tuân
chung cư 69 vũ trọng phụng
chung cu 69 vu trong phung
bất động sản miền bắc
chung cư hà nội

chung cư eco green nguyễn xiển
eco green city
chung cu eco green city
chung cu eco green city nguyen xien
chung cư the legend 109 nguyễn tuân

chung cư 109 nguyễn tuân

2:03 AM

 

Post a Comment

<< Home