These are the thoughts of a Texas transplant in West Michigan who makes his living as a newspaper reporter by evening, and a struggling novelist by day.

Friday, May 23, 2008

dreamin' in color again

lately, i can remember two dreams where color plays an important role. both times the color was vivid. while i won't get into the first dream i had with color in it, here's the second one, a more frightening one than the first one.

i was in a living room and the light was muted because the shades or blinds were drawn. it was a small room with a tv in one corner.

i was sick. in fact, it seems i may have had cancer in the dream and i was dying. i appeared healthy, though. still, i was conscious that i was dying.

there was someone in the room with me, but i never spoke to the person. once it became clear in the dream i was dying or on the verge of death. i made a phone call.

next shot in my dream, my friend jessica appears. she's in the room. she's shorter in my dream than she is in person. she was serious, or at least the look on her face was serious. she came on business.

she pulled out this large yellow tablet. it was the size of a large alcaselzer tablet. it was shaped like one, too. she handed it to me and i held it in my hand looking at it. then she sat down by the front of th tv, which was on.

i took a bite of it and crunched it in my nouth. it had no real taste. i swallowed it. i took another small bite of it. did the same. crumbs were on my shirt and i wept them away.

i was eating some form of poison. jessica was there to euthanize me, much like dr. kevorkian. i called her and she came to assist me. instead of injecting a drug, i was injesting it in a large tablet.

i kept at it. crumbs kept getting on my shirt. i kept thinking, this is evidence and i'm sweeping it into the trashcan. when the cops come, they'll find it. still, i continued to do it.

i asked her what was in the tablet. she looked back, still with a serious look on her face, and said something i can't remember. barbituites or something. it was a heavy duty drug and i was swallowing it.

i asked if i wanted to go back, take it back, if i could. she said no. i'd eaten enough of it and it was done. it'd be a matter of time before it took effect. i took another nibble, resigned that death was near.

then i struck me. i was going to die. there was no going back. in a few minutes i'd be dead. i wanted to take it back. so i said, i'll never be able to say dawnie again. jessica said no i wouldn't.

for some really not being able to say dawn's little nickname struck me. it horrified me.

that's when i started pulled back and back until i was here awake. i was sort of trapped under some blankets, from which i quickly pulled out of. it was freaky weird.

that just got me to thiking of my dad when he was dying. right at the end, the last few days, when he knew there was no going back. he was, as roland would say, following the path to the clearing. i wonder how scary that is? i guess i don't really want to know, not know anyway.

and so first blue then yellow. colors are vivid in my dreams. that's odd because i'm very color blind. go figure. in a dream, no limits or boundaries exist. the rules go out the window.


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