These are the thoughts of a Texas transplant in West Michigan who makes his living as a newspaper reporter by evening, and a struggling novelist by day.

Monday, December 24, 2007

missing you

christmas is less then 24 hours away and i think it's hitting me and my family. we're missing you dad. the first major holiday is here and you're not here.

yes, people have said the first is the worst. it's true. thanksgiving was a piece of cake.

a few minutes ago i walked into the kitchen to get something and i stopped for a split second and thought, "the weekend passed and i didn't talk to dad." i quickly made a mental note to call tomorrow. then i hit me and i winced. it's so easy to forget he's gone.

yesterday or friday dawn asked if i'd talked to my mom or dad. she quickly corrected herself. it's just crazy. it's hard to believe that it's been a month and a half.

while talking to linda earlier, she was talking about dad and said she was looking around for something and encountered a christmas gift list, a list of names to buy presents for. dad was the second name on the list, no doubt behind mom. she started crying. now i, too, am tearing up. i guess when the list was made there was still some hope he'd make it past the holidays; though, if he did that, it'd be close to her birthday. i don't know if that would be good having him die in jaunuary.

it's those little things like the list that really puts a finality of things. yes, i know he's dead. i'm not living in a fantasy world or anything. i'm not crazy or delusional. but at times it's hard to believe and we forget, like i did a bit ago. seeing things like the christmas list is just a reminder. you'll see the name and realize that you'll never buy a present for dad again, whether for christmas, birthday or father's day.

as we've discussed (me and dawn), it's hard the first holiday, but then she says you never really get used to it. the next holiday comes along and the next and you still miss him or her of whoever. it's something that's done and you can't go back. i told linda it's like having a child. life changes when you have one. you can't go back to life like it was before.

and so you must go on, be strong, remember, smile, pray, never forget, always in your heart and mind. and always love and it'll be ok.

we're missing you, pop. we love you.


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