final words

yes, i know it's been awhile and several people have told me to get my ass in gear here.. i've neglected this for a month. how terrible of me. and so it continues.

a few days ago i was chatting with linda about a variety of things and the subject went back to our dad. we talk about pop every once in awhile, but this time we were got into it, from saying how none of us (siblings) have the same even temperament like he had and other stuff.

somehow or other we got to talking about the days right before he died and how he was bed-ridden and never opened his eyes anymore. it was sunday and many of the women were around the bed praying a rosary.

even though dawn says she told me this, i don't remember it. linda said he was mouthing the words to the rosary as they prayed. nothing clear or anything, but he was definitely hearing what was going on around him.

then right in the middle of it, he says to my mom in a clear voice, "i love you." those were the last words my dad spoke, even though he didn't die for another three days.

how appropriate and how touching that he'd say that. it's a testament ot how much he loved my mom and that even during that time, he was thinking of her and their love. it's a beautiful thing.

and it got me to thinking that he could hear during that time. i began to feel guilty then. i'd talk to him and tell him things would be ok after he was gone. and that it was ok to go. i'm sure the hospice nurses said he could hear, but in the stress of the moment. i can't remember now.

and so i started thinking a couple of days ago that how shitty it was of me to say that to him. he could hear me. i started thinking about what he was thinking and how badly i wanted to have conversed more with him. (i still feel i didn't get a chance to say as much as i wanted to, even though we arrived on time and i told him i loved him and we did talk some on that friday night.)

i've been reassured that it was ok to say those things to ease him into the next world, to let him know that all would be well with his family when he was gone. and so i'm fine with it. i'm not going to beat myself up for it..

still, it's heard to imagine and believe my dad's dead. even now while i type this, there's a part of me that is thinking i'd like to call home and talk to him. then it all focuses.

i sure do miss my old man. and that's why life's too short to be squabbling, arguing, hurting others, be pitiful or some other negative state of mind thing. you're here one day and gone the next, or someone you love is gone. and even though it's the cycle of life, it still hurts like crazy.